my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.