me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.