I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Boating season is upon us.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.