Boating season is upon us.
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”