A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.