After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.