After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Catercrombie & Fish
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it