After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?