After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.