for all #parents out there
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.