The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.