@armyVet1972

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

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@trevso_electric

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

@LindaInDisguise

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

@Fred_Delicious

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

@Gupton68

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@_NTFG_

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

@Lisabug74

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.