Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Care for your back
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further