Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?