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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
San Francisco has too many rules
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.