I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist