Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”