I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Yoga Matt
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.