@LuckoftheDraw86 “Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
@permawedgie If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You Might Also Like
@LuckoftheDraw86 
@liveluvlaugh65 Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
@MySickthSense I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
@3sunzzz I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
@Playing_Dad *sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
@ElgatoEsmio I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
@Browtweaten me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
@flashember [Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
@roggyie My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
@heapsOhate *finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.