If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson