Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
But that’s none of my business
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
kitchen magnet
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Saturday
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.