There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Breaking news:
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.