When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Black Friday “markdowns” like
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Those are good neighbors.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
only 11 steps left
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.