spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.