Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
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[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
North and South
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake