I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Attacked by a mop.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!