Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU