The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
@ candidates for local office
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Doggies just call it style.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?