My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.