I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Raisins are grape jerky.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes