If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
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I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish