ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
😂😂😂
LOL
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Jail
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.