a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
You Might Also Like
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.