Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?