If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral