@TweetPotato314

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

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@SamGrittner

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

@EmSlyce

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

@rcromwell4

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

@TweetToTheVoid2

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

@mogonv

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

@velvettusk

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral