@SamGrittner If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
@TweetPotato314 Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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@SamGrittner 
@EmSlyce My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
@rcromwell4 Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
@Brampersandon_ [Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
@AbbieEvansXO Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
@TweetToTheVoid2 I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
@mogonv snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
@velvettusk Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
@iowahawkblog I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
@Brampersandon_ ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral