Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life