The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
You Might Also Like
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Good morning, Twitter x
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please