@Token_Geezer

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

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@Mardigroan

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

@meantomyself

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

@macchiatonumb

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

@swaggiestag

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

@sonictyrant

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots