Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
welcome back
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Never let them know your next move 😂
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what