It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Does your wife know you’re single?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.