Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
You Might Also Like
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
oh shit
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?