I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.