If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Hello, my name is Pierre.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.