how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
britain’s three elite institutions
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats