I鈥檝e deleted all dating apps off my phone I鈥檓 over it 馃槶 I鈥檓 waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that鈥檚 too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Can鈥檛. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
NASA has no chill
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
There鈥檚 always that one guy
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The news
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I鈥檝e been berry naughty!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”