It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.