Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid