My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
having children is a pyramid scheme.
*seductively eats two tums*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!