I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
You Might Also Like
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.