Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician