Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.