Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.


Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.


When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.


THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.


My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.


We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.