Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?