@LibertyLayne01

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

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@KayRants

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

@galiamango

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

@hipchkk

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

@t0iletcat

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

@a_simpl_man

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.