Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime