Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
You Might Also Like
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
☺️
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.