One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
You Might Also Like
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one