Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto