If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.