The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
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“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many