True statement👍😏😁
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Mouse
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Camping tip: No.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I bet birds love this building.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.