eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing