“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
You Might Also Like
[at the general store]
me: one general please
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house